cooties
I know we all feared cooties in our younger years, with strong emphasis on our tenure at elementary educational facilities. As an alumi of both Byron's illustrious Kindergarten program, the educational internment camp known as Discovery Bay School, and the delightfully liberal social engineering of Ron Nunn and Edna Hill, I speak from a diverse and unique first hand background. Recent studies here at UCDavis involving cooties have proven the mass histeria surrounding cooties is without merit. A study conducted over a 17 year period involved the selection of a simple random sample of 1000 elementary children from a normally distributed population was choosen. Students infected by cooties were then divided into two groups, those who recieved post infection treatment (cootie shots), and those who went untreated. The results are shocking. The cootie shot, once thought to be a cure all for the cootie plague, proved to have no effect on the elimination of cooties from the integumentary, vascular, or respiratory system. The good news for all of you who depended on the cootie injections is this: cooties does not pose a long term threat to mental or physical health. At the end of the study, those infected with cooties showed little or no signs of infection. Cooties does not seem to deter the ability to succeed in the long run. The only health consequences seem to occur immediately after infection which may include, but are not limited to: Being ostracized by the po! pulation as a "cootie catcher," feelings of not belonging, liking the fact that the cute blond girl gave you cooties, and severe itching and possible rash around the infected area. I never had cooties, but thought that some of you might be interested to hear about this outstanding study (which I hear has been nominated for a nobel prize, and come on, if it doesn't win, it will be as big a fiasco as when the Academy of Motion Pictures refused to nominated Dude Where's My Car for best picture). I hope this relieves any post traumatic stress disorders you may have. I have submitted a reasearch project of my own that I think can have a tremendous impact on the world over. I will try to determine the cause of "wordbagization" and find possible long term cures to the disease. As of yet, no medication or therapy exists to convert word bags into man pleasers. All that can be done is to pray to God that he rids us of this plague. I will be sure to update you as too the current progress of my research. Scott